God Bless Our Troops
Satire On Living In The NEW South Africa!
Sent To Us By Friends Living There - Author Unknown
Satire Based On REAL 1998 Reports
And It's Mostly Downhill Since,

We Are Headed This Direction In USA Now!
Follow Book & Flag

You know you are living in the New South Africa when . . . .

The main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an unemployed squatter who "spik inglish no good and dimunds" (translation = "speaks English no good and DEMANDS) that the head of Anglo-American resigns or faces the consequences. (Anglo American is the largest business conglomerate in South Africa, by far, with vast holdings both in South Africa and scattered all over the world, including Europe and the USA.)

The police advise you NOT to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night, but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station.

You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.

The Student Union "dimunds" (= 'demands') that academic achievement shouldn't be a criterion for university acceptance, as it is discriminatory.

Landlords may not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them alternative accommodation.

Protest-marching strikers trash everything in their path and that's okay, but various other completely peaceful and non-violent "rights marches" are condemned, even banned.

Post Office workers are videotaped opening the mail and stealing the contents, but the film may not be used in evidence, because the workers were not informed that they were being filmed and the filming is an intrusion on their privacy. ("Right to privacy" while stealing from the mail? ? ?)

"Scholars" protest at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying school buildings.

A goverment Minister is caught driving her car with a forged license, but the case is dropped for "lack of evidence."

A minister of religion who stole millions from overseas-donated funds for the oppressed, returns to the country to a hero's welcome and is officially welcomed by the government, represented by the Minister of Justice.

Government ministers meet with masked gang leaders to ask their advice on how to reduce crime and "vowlence" (violence).

Two tourist athletes are murdered in their beds and the President says it won't affect tourism.

The entire country sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering several people, but the police say "they have no case."

You can't even go on a business trip to Oz ("Oz" is Australia.) without somebody asking knowingly: "Oh, having a look around, are you? . . " (that is, "Thinking of emigrating, are you?")

Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.

Your insurance is higher than the payments on your car.

You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.

Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.

People start joking about the crime rate.

The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.

You paint your car's registration number on the roof in large letters.

Afrikaans (language) TV programs are separated by a Xhosa (another language) announcement of the following Afrikaans (language) program, and a Zulu (another language) advert!

A Minister is fired and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the (government owned) G-number-plated "Bee-Em" ("Bee-Em" is local slang for a BMW automobile).

The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame.

(BP Editors Note: A lot of this material sounds like it is talking about the USA in 2011!).

Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon "dimund" (i.e. "demand") that their debt be written off . . . . . at Pretoria Technikon. (A Technikon in South Africa means a Technical "University.")

A 45-year-old engineer gets replaced by a 25-year-old who cannot write his own name.

The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.

Ten percent of the city's population pays for everyone else's electricity and water supply, and get prosecuted if they refuse to pay. (The other 90 per cent pays nothing for their water and/or electricity).

A MURDERER gets a 2 year sentence and a PIRATE TV VIEWER a 6 month sentence. (A "Pirate Viewer" is one who has not paid his annual "license fee" for TV viewing to the government).

The Constitutional Court declares the death sentence unconstitutional, but rules that abortion is okay.

The prisoners strike!

Crime actually DOES pay.

People are allowed to reclaim land (FOR FREE) that's been bought from their forefathers.

The government GIVES people houses, and they complain by setting fire to them.

You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world.

They bring in the innovative idea of selling "scratch cards" (gambling cards) to alleviate congestion in post office queue.

You are expected to carry a driver's licence that won't fit into your wallet.

You have to prove you don't need a loan to have any chance of getting one.

The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election.

A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop.

The most popular vehicle is a 4x4 designed for driving in snow, (the reason for this may be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see in all Christmas decorations). {Christmas comes in the middle of summer in South Africa, and much of South Africa NEVER sees snow.}

You no longer "request" anything, you "DIMUND" (i.e. "demand") it.

You know what "vowlence" (violence) is.

People tell you that they wouldn't live anywhere else because the weather is so bad "over there."

A Minibus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you.

Where the road narrows, the guy to the REAR of you has right of way.

Sent from a South African "List" to the Webmaster in 1998, slightly edited by us. To those who know, too much truth to be very funny!

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